Typed Thoughts: With a Little Help From My Friends

2023 has been the most difficult year of my life by far.  Earlier this year my marriage of nearly 30 years came crashing to an end.  In the process I lost my most valued friendship of all.  Then when I thought that things could hardly get any worse, just last week I lost my mom.  It seems that lately whenever I think that I have hit rock bottom life somehow finds a way to prove me wrong.

But I am not writing this blog post looking for sympathy.  I realize that in many ways I have been far more fortunate than the majority of people in this world.  My marriage might not have lasted as long as I would have liked, but it lasted longer than most and I got to spend more than three decades of my life with someone who I love deeply.  On top of that we wound up with a son who is my pride and joy. Though my mom’s later years were tragically impacted by mental illness, when I was young I don’ t believe that I could have had a more caring, compassionate, and loving mother.  All children should be so lucky.  My father was also wonderful, he simply passed far too soon.

The thing that is heavily weighing on my mind as I type this is just what a lousy friend I have been to so many in my life. Just as with my parents, my ex-wife, and my son, I have been blessed with a number of wonderful friends over the years. Sadly, I have managed to distance myself from almost anyone who has come to think of me as their friend.  I don’t understand why I have behaved the way that I have when it comes to such matters. After holing myself up in the place that I am renting away from everyone else in the world, I have come to realize that I don’t wish to carry on this way.

Over the course of the pandemic I forged a number of new friendships thanks to my newfound interest in typewriters and corresponding with others.  In a few of those cases such friendships have grown very deep.  Deep enough that when I noticed that I was starting to pull away (old habits and all that) , I at least made the effort to reach out and let them know what was going on, even if I didn’t understand it myself.  I’ve also reached out for some professional help as I have finally come to realize whatever it is that needs to happen next, I am unable to do so alone.

One of the incredibly unfortunate things that I witnessed later on in my mom’s life was the painful unraveling of the many friendships she had made earlier in her life.  Unlike myself, I don’t believe that she was aware this was even happening in many cases.  I can’ t imagine how hard this must have been for her friends that knew her when her mental health was better.  My mom was for lunate that her stubbornness and tenacity were exceeded by those same qualities in my brother. In the end he proved to be her greatest blessing in life.

When it comes to such things I definitely do not wish to follow in my mother’s footsteps.  In an attempt to avoid a fate similar to the one that she endured, I figure that a good place to start is by acknowledging my own shortcomings when it comes to the friendships that I have made (in addition to seeking professional help that is) .  With this in mind, I want to let all of my type pals know just how much I appreciate you.  I have already covered this with the handful of those who I have formed deeper friendships with, but the reality is that I have benefitted from each and every one of you out there that has taken the time to reply to even just one of my letters.  It might not seem like much in the moment and I don’ t expect that all relationships formed via correspondence will carry on forever. But even the smallest acts of kindness and connection can mean more than many might imagine, especially in the toughest of times.

AFTERTHOUGHTS: While loss in life is inevitable, a number of my problems might have been avoided had I been more honest with myself earlier on (along with doing a better job of listening to others who matter to me). Even though I had sought help with the issues I face multiple times in the past, this simply was not enough in my case. I’m not exactly sure where my reluctance to get real with myself comes from, but I aim to figure it out. If any of you reading this feel that you are struggling in some way, I encourage you to reach out for help sooner rather than later. None of us are perfect, there is no shame in seeking assistance.